Chapter 3: The Situation

It felt like I was just hit with a shovel in the head from behind.

“...and we are rescinding your offer.”

No emotion other than joy at being able to tell me.

“Any retaliation will be handled with immediate dismissal.”

It was gone. All that work over the past 16 months was taken away from me—the words that were twisted and the lies that were told. I will never know the full extent. There is a reason they did this. I was told that I was “unprofessional” and that I was “a threat to the institution.” All I could do was sit there and take it.

Not one of them asked if I was okay.

Not one of them acknowledged the work that had been accomplished. It was a calculated attack using an associate director who does not have the skills to handle a conflict situation.

Here’s what they don’t know. I took off my headphones and let my other colleagues in the office hear what they said and how they said it to me. This was to show them that this institution is not to be trusted.

I stood up and walked out of the office to try to find some reality.

Numb.

Lost.

“I fucked this up right at the finish line,” kept racing through my mind. I let down my wife, the team, my colleagues and myself. I have never felt like this in my life. Why did they talk to me like that?

“What did I do?”

This is the story of what I now call The Situation.

The meeting took place remotely. I was in my vehicle meeting with one of our most supportive community partners. Another meeting just concluded for a grant application for a project I knew the community didn’t need or want. It was based on what the Associate Director thought was best. This is a common occurrence at the institution. This project felt like a “make work” project to check off another application that had been submitted, so it had me on edge. The meeting we were starting was to discuss the final offer to make my role a continuing position.

When I was hired, I was told that the position is a one-year contract to see that the position is needed in the South Okanagan. If it were, then a continuing position would be created. I was also told I needed a good ROI, Return On Investment. If I can bring in the money, the position will be created. I accepted that challenge. When given a goal, it makes it easy to focus on the right type of work. Then, there was a salary negotiation and an agreement that I would take a bit less to prove myself, and a raise would come if I were successful.

The new salary negotiations began with me being told that because my new position is on the same salary grid as the old position, I can only get my old salary with a cost of living/probationary period increase, and “it is what it is.” How is this a negotiation? I told the Associate Director what the Director and I discussed at the initial salary negotiation. I didn’t have it in writing. I asked if we could have a meeting with the Director as that is who I believed I should be having this discussion with. I was told they would try to get a meeting, but nothing could be done. My emotions then took over. I mentioned that I worked my ass off and that in my performance evaluation, I was told, by the Associate Director, that what I have accomplished in one year, most can’t do in three. Why is the director not here? Why are they putting you(the Associate Director) in this position when they know what we discussed?

The Director had disassociated themselves from the team for the past few months. They would not be attending team meetings, and emails were being sent by her assistant on behalf of her, assigning more and more of their tasks to the Associate Director. This was beginning to concern the team, as we thought the Associate Director was on a one-way street to burnout. We cared for each other’s well-being; this is where my spirit animal comes out.

A wolf takes care of it’s pack. Fight for it. Die for it.

The Associate Director was thrown into a situation because the director did not want to deal with it because they knew what they agreed to could not happen based on the policies.

The emotions were building.

If there is one thing that came out of 2020, it’s that rules can be adjusted to meet the situation's needs. All I wanted was acknowledgement of the initial agreement and fair compensation for the work that I do. I was told over and over that there was nothing that could be done. It is what it is. The more this was said, the more my emotions boiled to the point where my truth finally came out.

“Why do they always put the work on you? Why can’t they even send their own emails? They only want our numbers for their spreadsheets. They don’t listen when we speak and push their agenda on us that we are to follow without discussion.”

“It’s policy; there is nothing that can be done.”

“This process is fucking stupid!”

There it is. This is the big crime I committed. I said fuck in a meeting with a “superior.” Unprofessional behaviour. Not like it hasn’t been said in other meetings, but this time, a male was saying it to a female.

“If we are to stick with rules and policy, then I was only supposed to be an ROI, so I only have to bring in one grant a year to cover my costs, and I’m good.”

This was twisted to “You are withholding work out of protest for not getting paid more.”

“If someone new were to get this position without experience or contacts, would they be getting paid more than me?”

“Yes.”

“How does this make sense?”

“It’s policy.”

“How does this make make sense?”

“It is what it is.”

“My relationships with the community were not with the institution; they are with me.” This was then twisted into “You are withholding your contacts out of protest for not getting paid more.”

What in the absolute fuck is going on?

My words were twisted to fit what their narrow minds were only capable of seeing. They focused on the fact I wanted more money. The truth was I wanted the Director to take accountability for what they promised me even if nothing could be done.

OWN YOUR SHIT.

If you make a mistake, stand up and take accountability. If you don’t know how to fix it, ask for help. It’s simple. I was at the end of my rope with the lack of accountability in this institution. “Why can’t anyone take accountability?” If it were one or two people, it would be easier to make sense of this, but it’s institution-wide.

Shit Flows Downhill.

In January of this year, the institution was hit with a major cyberattack that shut all systems down except our email. It took 14 days for the president to issue a statement to the staff that it was a cyberattack, and on the 23rd day, we were informed that all of our personal information was stolen and held for ransom.

TWENTY-THREE DAYS!

I’m not the smartest person in the room, but from what I know about IT and hacks, the first thing that is usually taken is personal information. That is where the value is for hackers to demand a ransom. It took 23 days for the president/leadership to let us know. Why do we put up with this type of incompetence?

It gets better.

At the ransom deadline, the institution did not pay the ransom, as far as we know, and our information was then released on the dark web. The IT department confirmed that the information was posted for anyone to access. Not just staff but all the students. The international students had all their passport information stolen and posted. After the deadline, we were all informed that this no longer be referred to as an attack but as a “Cyber Incident.” Almost ten months after the “incident,” the systems are not yet functional. It was horrible for many departments to complete their work, but somehow made it work. I found out a couple of months after the incident that the institution was actually hacked almost three months prior, in October of the previous year, and the hackers were slowly stealing information and finding new systems to gain access to. Did the President or the leadership take any accountability for the handling of this?

No.

Wouldn’t it be right to admit you made a mistake in handling it? To admit that you did the best you could with the information given and that it didn’t work out the way you hoped. To be a decent human being and own your shit. The word that comes to mind when I think about the leadership at this institution is “coward.” Too afraid to show weakness or mistakes. Too afraid to seek help. It makes me sad to think that is how some people live their lives.

“You are under disciplinary action for your unprofessional and aggressive behaviour towards a team member.” My heart sank. I was in a state of shock as the trust was just betrayed. We have had conversations in the past year that were intense as we have to put up with so much shit from leadership. The Associate Director would always check in with us and let us vent our frustrations. There were swear words used during these conversations. The space was safe to let loose. If another person were on the other end of the phone during the meeting, I would not have released as I did. I only do that with someone I trust.

The trust was betrayed.

When trust is betrayed, the neural networks and brain areas linked to trust deactivate and cease functioning. The regions of the brain that were once connected to positive feelings and openness towards the other individual are now substituted with hostility, doubt, and bitterness.

I reached out to the whole team to let them know what happened. Their responses were compassionate and understanding because we are all battling with the same issues in leadership, especially the director. I also contacted the associate director, and we discussed the situation. I apologized for my emotional outburst and was told that it was out of character, which is why I was reported.

Out of character? If I’m meeting someone I have a relationship with and they do something “out of character,” would I report them to the director and Human Resources? Or would I have concerns that maybe there is something more going on and have a conversation to find out what that is? Let them cool off. Talk it out. It’s time to look into other actions if the situation is unresolved.

Never once throughout this whole initial process was I asked if I was okay. If something else is going on in my life, that would cause me to react the way I did. I was told that this meeting was nothing to be concerned about and nothing would come of it.

I trusted those words.

I was wrong.

I contacted the campus manager, who has been a good colleague and supporter. We worked together well to get programming developed and funded for the campus, and I was able to jump in and help when they needed photography for certain events. They mentioned that I could have a support person at the meeting with me, and there was a way to override the policy to get what I was promised by just getting a letter of support from the provost (another fancy title). I also found a strange clause in the employee policy that I wanted clarification on because of how it read an employee can negotiate their offer. I reached out to HR and to the associate director that there is a solution and for clarification.

I am still waiting for a reply.

I have since found out that no replies or going quiet is a form of harassment. I view policy as I view rules in composition (rule of thirds, rule of space, etc.) in image creation. If you stick to the rule, you will be creating imagery that is just mediocre, and average. You are not really showing the scene from your point of view. If you use the rule as a starting point for experimentation and understand what composition truly is, you show the world how you see it.

Who wants to be mediocre?

It stems from a fear—a fear of failure. The egos are so fragile that any chance of failure must be avoided so their persona can remain intact. Really, it’s only in their heads. We all see their fragility, and I feel compassion for them. What a sad way to waste a life.

The goal of the system of institutions is to perpetuate mediocrity and protect the inept. Keep things as they always have been, protect the ones who support you, and do what they are told. It’s amazing to see how many opportunities are lost because of this attitude. I have multiple projects that I was told to stop pursuing for no reason. Just to stop, or “There is a lot of history there, so stop working on it.” What the fuck kind of answer is that?

An answer based on fear.

I was offered no supports from the director, associate director or HR. I had to find out through others that this was available to me. I reached out to our Admin Association and had a wonderful person whom I have never met tell me that they will move their meetings and be there to support me. The Campus Manager also asked me to contact our Regional Dean, whom I have had a great working relationship with over the past year, as they could offer some insight.

That evening, I spoke with the Regional Dean, and they offered some advice based on experience when they went through a similar process in their previous position. Reassuring me that whatever happens will be forgotten in a few weeks, and if for some reason it goes really bad, I could come to work for them in their department. That was comforting to hear and brought down the anxiety and panic.

What I didn’t know at the time was that the Regional Dean and the Director of my department were “buddies.”